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The more of this or less of this or is there any difference
Or are we just holding onto the things we don't have anymore.
Sometimes time doesn't heal
Just stand still while we fall
welcome

welcome to undecipherable-xiaojunn.blogspot.com! (click on the above lyrics to navigate!):D
LOVE ME or
HATE ME,
it's still an OBSESSION
(more?:D)

Wednesday, October 03, 2007, 17:05

HELLO.
it has been eventful.

so far, i've experienced three deaths.
-Mrs Serene Ng (my english teacher)
-Jie Jie perrine (mum's ex-colleague)
and now,
my nainai ( paternal grandmother)
i admit i'm not very close to her.
and everytime my dad asks me to go visit her,
i say i'm busy.
& my dad will say
"your nainai dying soon lah. go see her lah."
sometimes i gave in,
and i went to see her.
she has been in and out of hospital lots of times.
and now recalling, i only went twice.

i still remembered that time my dad and uncle had to go settle some stuff
and i was left alone with her at her bed.
then we were actually conversing.
she speaks only her dialect, which is kwek.
and thanks to my dad, i know none of it.
therefore, i'm not able to actually converse with her.
but i tried hard.
it took me some time after she repeats many times to actually understand what she was talking about.
how pathetic.

I still remember everytime i see her,
she gets weaker and weaker, skinnier and skinnier.
it all started two years ago
after she fell and had to go for surgery to replace something at her hipbone and her kneecap.
I think from then on, she kind of felt useless?
but as i've heard, she was kinda lost hope to live and stuff..
& somemore worrying about my youngest uncle.
He has been spoilt by my nainai.
& she has been worrying about him.
He was into some kindS of trouble some time ago.
my whole family was troubled over it.
and now, he is still not living his life well.
sometimes, i kind of dislike him.
i even think i'm more mature than he is.

it was just recently that my grandmother got admitted into the hospital.
she had this wound which never recovered after a long time
and she didnt complain it hurt even as it is seen to be rotting and eating into her flesh.
my uncles and dad therefore admitted her into the hospital.
only then did they find out she has blood infection and even her lungs were infected.
my dad came back and told my mum but not me about it.
he just said that i should go and visit nainai.
I was busy and having exams.
so i told him I'LL GO AFTER MY EXAM
and now...

it was yesterday afternoon when i received my mum's message about my nainai.
i had bio paper that day.
and was staying back and studying with sis.
sis went back to her house to get her stuff.
then i saw my mum's message.
i was shocked.
but not as shocked as i've experienced when we were told that mrs ng passed away.
I called her immediately.
she died that morning after my bio paper.
11oclock.
and somewhat, i felt confident about my bio paper.
if she was blessing me, i'd like to say thank you.

that night, i reached home,
bathed.
went with my mum.
on our way on the cab,
i was listening to RADIOS IN HEAVEN
and i was sobbing and crying...

I kept thinking.
I had much regrets.
why?
why havent i learnt my lesson from mrs ng's death?
I ought to have gone to see her.
I didnt even had the chance to say goodbye.
I still remember how she smiled from within whenever i went to see her.
she looked happy whenever i went to see her.
da gu ma (eldest aunt) said that that night before my nainai passed away,
she wanted to go out and walk.
she wanted to go tampines, where she lived long time ago.
she complained and wanted to go back to her house to "sleep".
my cousin felt something was wrong and they went to see her the next morning.
and it was then.
i was told my grandmother wanted to see some people.
she wanted to see my aunt, and.. she couldnt say out my mum's name and me.
she wanted to see us.
why?
why cant she just hold on till i go and see her after my exams?

& now..
I stopped crying when i reached the wake.
it was held as a buddhist rite.
I looked into the coffin.
i see her face.
so thin.
she had a long face.
she looked peaceful.
she looked as if she was smiling.
i looked.
and turned away.
i couldnt stand it.
i nearly burst out into tears again.
my cousin saw.

i want my nainai to wake up and let me say goodbye.
and sorry.

Thank you..
for sewing quilt blankets for me.
the patches of clothe being sewed one by one by you..
you took much effort and patience
and most importantly,
love.
i had and used my small blankie for a long time since i was a baby.
but slowly,
it wore on with age.
my mum discarded it after taking a long time to coax me with another blankie.
however,
the smell wasnt there.
i wasnt close to that blankie.
you gave me a new one.
but the material was different from the small blankie.
the soft and silky one.
but it was bigger and had more patches of clothe.
i'm using that now..

sorry.. for not being there to see you.
i wanted to go.
but now,
regrets.
for not being there earlier.

& NOW,
GOODBYE.

i'm screwed for exams.
flunked big time.
SIGHS.
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