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The more of this or less of this or is there any difference
Or are we just holding onto the things we don't have anymore.
Sometimes time doesn't heal
Just stand still while we fall
welcome

welcome to undecipherable-xiaojunn.blogspot.com! (click on the above lyrics to navigate!):D
LOVE ME or
HATE ME,
it's still an OBSESSION
(more?:D)

Saturday, January 19, 2008, 23:38

EVERYTHING IS BUT A FALLACY;

we grow up together.
we have fond and not so fond memories together.
but things have changed.
greatly.
since years ago.
I should have adapted to it long ago.
but I have not. I guess.
I still feel uncomfortable and out around yall.
so please dont tell me nothing has changed and we're still friends,
and please dont tell me you'll be here for me no matter what.
cause you wont.
I try to find another group of people whom I can blend in with.
I tried. and failed.
but I dont expect yall to take me back in.
cause we've all grown up.

in this place,
you can know each other.
but not well.
no matter how much time you've spent or tried spending with each other,
no matter how much you think and say you know that person,
it's all not true.
the mask they wear, even though they define it as a home and we're all family.
in this place, you learn that there is no trust.
you cant have trust and know each other.
you have to wear a mask to cover up your emotions,
cause you wont know what will happen.
there is no friendship, no camaraderie between anyone.
They call each other brothers and sisters.
but what is it that's between them?
nothing but a layer of invisible wall.
which they themselves have built,
but have repeatedly denied.
Is there really love between them?
who knows?
all is but a fallacy.
I've learnt it.
through experiences and accounts.
the awful truth has pricked me.
let me open my eyes and see.
It's so political.
so ruthless.
but it's the truth.
no matter how holy the place is,
the people who goes there contaminates it.
they say we sin, even if we're a christian.
and we sin against each other and God.
they say we go there for the purpose.
not the people.
but i beg to differ.
the people makes a huge difference and repels you off.
sometimes, you'll feel that people outside are better off.
and you'll yearn to join them.
no motives, no masks.
just friends.
to me, it is that simple.
I might not be as strong as you think I am.
In fact, I am easily shaken and is very weak.

and they call it a CHURCH;

it is all nothing but a screw up.
and it's bringing me down.

THINGS WILL CHANGE;

I have realised that when I get upset,
I tend to turn to my bffs rather than anyone.
so bffs, the seven of us, this is for you ..
ILY! (:
I miss you all so much! D:
I've realised that no one celebrates my birthdays for me.
I have to be the one to plan my own celebration.
It's how pathetic it gets.
I dont know why but I'm feeling sorry for myself.
but thanks to my bffs, who tries to brighten that day super duper brightly for me every year since we came together! :DD
THANKS BFs! :DD

sorry to say,
even though I spend quite a lot of time with my church friends,
and no matter how much I think we're bonded,
and talked,
it was never this way.
never true.
we do spend time with each other.
but we dont bond.
we dont have a camaraderie.
we dont have that closeness,
even though we grew up together or not.
no matter how much we talked about happy times,
it was plain reminiscing.
reminisce: to recollect and talk about THE PAST.
it was all over.
we had no more better memories after that period of time.
so all we could do was to reminisce.
get over it!
what do we have presently?
no memories.
especially fond ones.
try building fond memories for me.
but I doubt you can.
you've been the one who destroyed the foundation for any memories for me.
I have been badly impacted on.

"how would you describe your self?"
"I'm like the weather. no matter how well you can forecast me, it will not be accurate. I change and I'm unpredictable, like the weather. I can be the calmness, I can be the storm. I can turn the sun and get rid of the fun. "

I'm currently feeling very depressed.
and moody.
I want to burst out loud.
I want to get back at people.
I want to hurt people.
I want to ..

find someone, besides God, for me to co-depend on,
have fun with,
share burdens with,
share joy with,
share tears with.
but who?

I'm back to doubting people,
reading their minds, often accurately.
I'm back to the stage and era,
where masks works well.

once again,
let me take out the mask from the dusty chest,
blow the dust off,
and put it on again.
this time,
it will be different.
It'll be hard for me to take off that mask.
so dont try it.
you'll die trying.
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